L.A. traffic is bonkers. It's gotten to the point now where I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, in my own car, "I WANT TO BLOW YOU UP!"
That exclamation has saved my sanity on multiple occasions. Initially, it was only intended towards the mentally deficient drivers who did everything they can to kill as many people (as well as themselves) during their daily suicidal romp on the parking lot that is the 405 Freeway. But eventually, I just started to yell it at traffic as an entity.
I really do want to blow up ALL of traffic. And the humor is in my delivery. Trust me - it's hilarious.
The saving grace is that while driving at a speed where I can practically walk faster than the cars on the road, I'm *really* able to appreciate the intricacies and subtle nuances of the other drivers and morning commuters around me. You know: the nose pickers, the hard core radio karaoke singers, the handful of individuals who are crying (*NOTE: I'm of two minds on this one. 1) "Oh, my gosh...I hope everything with her/him is okay. Ugh, I feel terrible thinking that they're already having such a miserable day this early in the morning. Or, 2) HAHAHAAH! Dooood! I can *SO* see you crying! Don't even try to wipe those tears from your face! Stop it! You look *SO* awesome! HAHAHAH!), and the masturbationists - I love them all. Well, maybe not that last fella'.
Also, I get to stare at annoying vanity license plates. Here's a hint for you, California: keep it simple. If I've gotta bust out the DaVinci Code cryptex and the aid of world-renowned symbologist ROBERT LANGDON in order to cypher out what ever ridiculous statement you wanted to make about yourself with your plates, you've fallen miserably short of the spirit of license plate personalization. As an example, and I didn't see this, but a friend of mine told me about it and my brain actually farted after he told me what it meant. Have you heard of those SPECIAL INTEREST icons that you can put on license plates these days? Sometimes it's a heart, sometimes it's a...uhm...star (?) - they all benefit specific charities, foundations and organizations I believe. Anyway, here's what my friend saw:
Anyone care to take I guess? I had nothing. And more importantly, I didn't care to suss it out for myself. So, here's the answer:
"STOP EYE-BALLIN' ME".
Yeah.... yeah.... seriously? Seriously. The icing on top is that the car in question is one of those new-fangled SMART CARS and it had Lakers flags sticking out the top and sides. "Stop eye-ballin' me". High five, fellow Californian.
P.S. - if you're reading this blog and this is your car, I'm not saying that you're a ridiculous person. I'm saying your license plate is ridiculous. I'm saying that your clown car, along with its seasonal bright yellow flags, cries for the attention you're trying to dissuade and almost forces those around you to gawk and stare regardless of what your windtalker message says. Don't take it personally; it's only my opinion (I've got "The Devil Wears Prada" movie on a continuous loop as I type this, so that should give you insight on the mind that's bombing on your plates and car. Take everything I'm saying with a grain of salt).
And finally: bumper stickers. "My child is an Honor Roll Student!", "Kiss me - I'm Irish!", "If you can read this, you're TOO f*cking close!" - all of them are classics. But I guess, much like license plates, there's always some guy out there wanting to think outside the box. And don't get me wrong; I applaud that wholly. But sometimes... sometimes....